Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This year has been full of changes for me. I quit smoking a month ago and actually stuck to it this time. I am very surprised at myself to be honest. In the past its been so incredibly hard to resist those urges to just go get a pack and smoke one. For some reason this time it feels different and I am just done. Enjoying having pretty white white WHITE teeth!!

As of last month I pretty much have written off my mother and sister because I can't deal with their crazy anymore. Sometimes even though you love someone you have to let them go because in the end I know they aren't going to change. I can no longer sit around and let their dysfunction make me anymore dysfunctional, I have enough of my own problems to be dealing with theirs and to be honest I can't really take the anxiety of their lives anymore. Its too much. I should have done it a long time ago. I will never understand why my mother is the way she is but I really don't care anymore. Even writing this makes me feel angry thinking about everything I want to say to her. She is not worth me ever getting upset over. Some things are not salvageable and this is one of them.

I think this goes for friendships as well. For the past year or so I have been picky about the people I surround myself with. I went a long time without having any social life. I had a falling out with my best friend and then Jeremy and I split up and the combination of the two was not good on top of dealing with the stress of my sisters alcohol issues. I was majorly depressed and felt like I had no one to turn to for the first time ever so I did what the people in my family do best - Sleep, get drunk, and take as many pills as I could get my hands on because it was easier to just cover up everything with a high than to really admit to myself that maybe I was the issue. Maybe all the failed relationships in my life ARE my fault? Maybe i'm not capable of having a relationship with anyone? Maybe I am just meant to live alone and be alone? It's easier to point your finger than to admit you fucked up.

Either way - you live you learn and that's all you can do.



  1. The serenity prayer...
    "God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference."
    you are doing just fine, maybe a little more work on the serenity part though :P

    you'll be alright :)

  2. jimjam.....is this you commenting on this? I only suspect it would be you due your circumstances as of lately.