Opa

Arthur McArthur

You are at the University Hospital right now laying unconscious in a bed with tubes running out of you and blood coming out of your ears. You are 87 years old and fell backwards today and hit your poor bald head. No matter what the outcome of this I just hope you know how much I love you. I remember crying uncontrollably when you and Oma would have to go home from visiting. You have always been so sweet and such a great man to Oma and all of her kids. You are an old school barber with a sweet shaving kit. Lady in red will forever remind me of you. I hope that you wake up but If you don't, I hope your heaven is the era when ladies were dames and big band was what it was all about. I love you Opa.

Juliebug.

It's not beautiful

It's fuckin horrible

This took place in the bathroom at work.


Holly: You need to learn to do it yourself.

San:(In a very thick french accent) Dude you godda do that shit quick...Once the needle hits your skin its like butter.

Me: Ok Ok Ok .... UGHHH is it in yet.

Holly: Oh my god.....no.

Me: I'm scared! Will you do it for me?

San: Oh just let me do it. Shit- did that hurt? I hit a vein, that's gonna bruise.

Nikki walks in just as I have a filled syringe hanging out of my hip and my jeans pulled down.

Only 3 more weeks :( Looking at the scale every morning makes it totally worth it!! 139 today!

Revenge

I never thought I would ever say this....

I hate food. Yes. The thought of even having dinner tonight is making me want to vomit. This is day 1 of HCG. The "loading" day. The day where I did nothing but eat a whole pan of brownies and forced myself to also eat not 1 but 2 hamburgers and have a 1/2 liter of cherry coke. Oh fuck my life right now...fuck my life. Why do I do this? Because in 2 days i'm going from this to 500 calories a day and this in combination with the HCG is going to be eating all my little fat cells. Not just shrinking them but deleting them entirely. I really don't know how i'm going to handle eating El Chihuahua tonight though.... ugh. In 23 days i'm going to post some before and after pics so you can see how much weight I lose on this. Everyone i know who's either on it or has done it THE RIGHT WAY has lost 30lb on the 44 day diet so i'm going to be doing the 23 day one because I don't need to lose 30.

Relay

I feel the need to elaborate a little on why I am participating in relay for life this year. This year a friend of mine is heading up the West Bench Relay for Life. This organization is a warrior fighting cancer. She lost an arm to cancer a few years back but has been winning the war. Her story is very inspiring and she's a fighter. She fought 3 years with Chemo and radiation and finally lost her arm to save her life. She was back to work within 7 days of losing her arm. She recently lost a friend she grew up with to Cancer and is doing it this year in honor of her friend. I want to do what I can to help. The American Cancer Society does so many great things for people who are sick and need help. They donate wigs to those who cant afford them and prosthetic limbs. They give gas cards to cancer patients who are having to drive to the and from the hospital every day to get their chemo treatments. Every dollar raised goes towards something that can help someone who is sick and help find a cure so no more people have to die from being sick. I'm trying to think of some ways I can raise some money besides just having people click a link and donate because on their site the minimum donation is $10.00 and to be honest.... people are cheap and don't care really unless it is directly effecting them.

This year has been full of changes for me. I quit smoking a month ago and actually stuck to it this time. I am very surprised at myself to be honest. In the past its been so incredibly hard to resist those urges to just go get a pack and smoke one. For some reason this time it feels different and I am just done. Enjoying having pretty white white WHITE teeth!!

As of last month I pretty much have written off my mother and sister because I can't deal with their crazy anymore. Sometimes even though you love someone you have to let them go because in the end I know they aren't going to change. I can no longer sit around and let their dysfunction make me anymore dysfunctional, I have enough of my own problems to be dealing with theirs and to be honest I can't really take the anxiety of their lives anymore. Its too much. I should have done it a long time ago. I will never understand why my mother is the way she is but I really don't care anymore. Even writing this makes me feel angry thinking about everything I want to say to her. She is not worth me ever getting upset over. Some things are not salvageable and this is one of them.

I think this goes for friendships as well. For the past year or so I have been picky about the people I surround myself with. I went a long time without having any social life. I had a falling out with my best friend and then Jeremy and I split up and the combination of the two was not good on top of dealing with the stress of my sisters alcohol issues. I was majorly depressed and felt like I had no one to turn to for the first time ever so I did what the people in my family do best - Sleep, get drunk, and take as many pills as I could get my hands on because it was easier to just cover up everything with a high than to really admit to myself that maybe I was the issue. Maybe all the failed relationships in my life ARE my fault? Maybe i'm not capable of having a relationship with anyone? Maybe I am just meant to live alone and be alone? It's easier to point your finger than to admit you fucked up.

Either way - you live you learn and that's all you can do.